Well, I have to write to you now. I married myself yesterday. You know, I couldn’t do it back when you were talking about it and did it. I could barely stand myself then. January 25, 2019 - I married myself.
The past 2 years, since my dad died, have been - awful/horrible/fear/terror/resistance.. into less resistance/sort of accepting/sort of understanding/sort of being okay.. into acceptance/understanding/being okay/still some terror and fear.. into truly loving and caring for myself.. and more and better. It has taken a lot of persistence, a lot of work/effort/willingness.
I don’t want to go into the backstory, just waaaay too much. I’ll just say that my mother was (and still is) a raging, physically and emotionally abusive, depressed (and closet alcoholic when she was younger) person to her children and husband. My father tried his best to help her. I believe he died because he just couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t know what she did to us. He traveled for work and she sort of behaved toward us when he was around, and there was no way we would tell him. I was in denial of all this, because I wanted a good mother, like my friends had, and like.. how could a mother do that to her children? I tried to help her too. And after my dad died, I tried to help her, until she disowned me again, but for the last time. With the help of my wonderful sister, who’s had ongoing therapy to help her, and my best friend, and a new friend (who I want to tell you about, maybe later).. and you, Jacob, your wonderful teaching, your love and care, I’ve come to accept her and what is, and see her as God’s child, on her own path. I can take care of what needs to be taken care of (her finances and such, which I am in charge of) from afar. I know there is (and was) goodness and love and care in my life. I accept it all. It’s all part of me. I know how to love. I know how to care.
So, a few weeks ago was when I thought about actually marrying myself. And then I thought, Yeah, I’m ready. I am committed. I’ve been taking good care of myself and I want to have a ceremony. So I searched and found the perfect ring. Thought I would wait a couple weeks, find the right things to say and where. Then you posted what you posted yesterday, and that was it. Perfect!
So I had a ceremony yesterday, read the two out loud. And cried and cried. I’m going to include some pictures here. Jacob, this is really really big for me.
Oh, by the way, I’ve also been getting tattoos the past two years. Nothing way out there. The latest, which I got two weeks ago and is still healing, is this little sea turtle on my foot. (We’re barefoot or just wear flip flops mostly, here in South Florida.). And my toes are a mess because I run with no socks, and my middle toe is short and crooked because I broke it a year and a half ago.
Jacob, you are wonderful and I love you and am so very grateful for you.
My ring - The knot symbolizes union, and eternal bonds of devotion, a symbol for love.
Turtle wisdom - “Let go of trying to make something happen. Stay in the moment and all things will fall into place.”
The turtle totem wisdom teaches us about walking our path in peace and sticking to it with determination and serenity. Slow moving on earth, yet also incredibly fast and agile in water, those who have the turtle as totem may be encouraged to take a break in their busy lives and look around or within themselves for more grounded, long-lasting solutions.
Rafael (my turtle’s name) - “It is God Who heals.”